Student Union Bans Pancake Day

Hmm wondering if the Student Union has banned pancake day. Some people wanted lemon, others syrup, and we can’t tolerate a difference in viewpoint, beliefs, etc. – vote for bitter Jeremy Lemon or get out. Critical thinking is so wrong.

One “bigoted misogynistic chauvinist” has infuriated the third-wave feminist society because he called a pancake “sweet” which is a demeaning term, implying women are toys for pleasure and lacking intelligence. A social media campaign to “kill all white men” followed, led by a Student Union officer from Silversmiths college.

Moreover, the presence of flour in pancakes is greatly offensive to Pastaferian students who worship the spaghetti monster, because their god is made of flour. Some students handed our leaflets advertising Pancake Day. The Student Council has publicly claimed that these students are “anti-Pastafarian neo-Nazi fascist racist pigs”, resulting in 4 students known for eating pancakes to narrowly escape a beating from an angry mob in the student bar. Meanwhile, a student allergic to pancakes felt unaccepted on campus.

A bigoted visiting speaker from the Cuisine society dared to say he likes white chocolate on pancakes, and was promptly No Platformed for such bigotry. The Toblerone chocolate company has been boycotted and no other chefs can ever come to Birkbeck! Students rose against the catering industry. A massive Occupy Malet Street canteen protest continues for weeks, with flour being thrown at staff and eggs out windows, as students failed assignments due to locking themselves in the kitchens.

Meanwhile, four young male students have been expelled for meeting up at the local pub together to eat pancakes – their meet-up didn’t meet the Student Union gender quotas. Meanwhile, the Student Union is promoting girls-only karate night.

A motion to ban pancakes was put to the Birkbeck Student Union council, and when people objected, a noisy mob in the corner repeatedly screamed “Racist”. Then it was realised that flipping pancakes is an even greater threat to the “safe space” policy that ever realised because what if someone flips one better, shows more skills, and another person feels uncomfortable. The motion was a success.

Meanwhile, the Student Union is using student fees to print flyers for equality events claiming that UKIP should be banned because it is rumoured that Farage’s second-uncle twice-removed might once have thought for a second of eating a pancake.

The views expressed in this article are that of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of NUScape, or any associated group, such as Young Britons for Liberty or Right2Debate